***LAST CHANCE; Limitied Availability***

“Self-Lovin’”

2017 | 8”x10” | Mixed-media:
Prismacolor Verithin red/blue colored pencil, Derwent Inktense pencils, white charcoal, and water brush on white textured paper.
—
“Self care is an act of rebellion.”

When you lose something, it’s all too easy to want to replace it immediately, to search for it in others.

Real talk—When my heart was broken, I admit that back then, years ago, I thought what I wanted was for someone to give me theirs, & sooner rather than later. The routines of partnership had become so deeply ingrained from years of unhappiness, like the surface of a vinyl record being scratched by a bum needle, I couldn’t yet see I was chasing the wrong people for having gotten used to being with the wrong person. I couldn’t yet admit it was the wrong person & clung to my complacency & familiarity with all my mental might. My lack of fulfillment had become so routine, it became my new normal. Though, the symptoms of it still surfaced in unexpected ways: fits of anger, picking fights, skin breakouts, depression, pervading thoughts of catastrophes, and even constant nightmares of my heart stopping. It was such a seamless transition, I didn’t even notice exactly when my partner had weaned me off feasts & hooked me on crumbs. I was so used to starving, I chased the crumbs in my later endeavors. It took me 2 years to realize that I wasn’t trying to replace the affection I had been missing. I was trying to replace my bad relationship with another bad relationship. I had been conditioned to believe that having needs was bad. That declaring them was asking too much. That expecting my bids to be met was simply out of the question. Meanwhile, most relationship studies revealed that a reliable predictor of divorce can be reduced to the frequency in which bids for attention are met. A happy relationship acknowledges bids at a frequency of 8 / 10. A troubled one coasts on 2-4 / 10. I can’t say what frequency I had grown accustomed to, only that whenever I said, “I’m lonely,” I was answered with, “Yes. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way from time to time.” And not, “You’re not alone.”

What I can say is that giving up the fight, letting go of my investment in my misery, was the toughest battle I EVER had to face. Learning to love myself, to accept myself & my needs wholly, has been my greatest act of rebellion. And I refuse to settle again.