“Manic Murder”

2015 | 9”x12” | Mixed-media:
Prismacolor Verithin red/blue colored pencil, Derwent Inktense pencils, white charcoal, and water brush on cold press watercolor paper.
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As the very first of my “ribbon” series drawn with only red and blue double-ended pencils, “MANIC MURDER” is about the emergent truth that can no longer be contained.

In 2015, following a series of personal tragedies, I found myself no longer able to distract myself from my thoughts or run from my feelings. It was like my whole life suddenly didn’t fit me. I was in the wrong marriage, I had the wrong friends, I didn’t like their values, I didn’t like myself, and I didn’t like my art. I was so afraid of rejection, my thoughts buzzed like a noisy wind at the thought of being myself. After all, accepting the fact that not everyone will like you is a terrifying thing to do. So I fought. I masked. I imploded.

I felt a crack, like a chick suddenly emerging from its shell. Suddenly, this piece flowed from me as four and twenty black crows burst from my consciousness while I tried desperately to cling to any peaceful thought. I soon learned that realignment isn’t pretty. It’s a loud and emotionally violent process which ironically must be approached gently and with patience and self-compassion.

“MANIC MURDER” is a reminder that masks are fragile and temporary. The first mask says, “I’m OK,” and is cracking. The second mask says, “I’m OK, but I’m not OK,” yet still the truth lies beneath just waiting to hatch, whether we allow it or not.